how to be a good metamour
Although being a good partner is important, I already had a well-developed sense of how to be a good partner to someone from my monogamous days. Not that jealousy means that I’m a bad partner or metamour, or that I’m bad at polyamory. All these characteristics are what made me fall in love with him. Not becoming friends. Communities; RSS Reader; Shop; iOS & Android; Help; Login. 27 February 2019 23:18 0 comments. Advice – My boyfriend is going on a couple’s cabin trip with nineteen other people. Okay, work with me. A metamour is your partner's partner. I’m Dylan (he/him). Advice – I might be the type of person who’d cheat on their partners. Change ), You are commenting using your Google account. I love them for who they are, not for who I want them to be. I told them they need to do what is right for them, but I think meeting their metamour is a good idea—if only because meeting them standing over their spouse’s hospital bed would be worse. I’d do anything for him. That is the price of admission we must pay to engage in polyamorous connections: emotional labor. Be prepared to hold each pose for a specified amount of time. Stop.”. More typically in poly relationships metamours are (or try to be) mutually respectful, considerate, and supportive. I don’t want to be a jealous bitch. My metamour and I haven't had the best relationship because my introduction to and early experiences with her were traumatic, but I'm trying. Art is dynamic and your poses should be as well! Even questions like “how do I manage jealousy?” tend to have our partner at the center of it, as something that is gained or lost and the metamour (i.e., your partner’s other partner) simply a happenstance agent of that scary change. This person replied their metamour would never show up at the hospital if their partner was hurt. I am going to tell you about the best metamour I’ve ever had. As for what you can do about the incompatibilities you had with your former metamours, it sounds like you’ve done your best to create distance to protect yourself and your metamours from any more hurt feelings. Advice – In a long distance relationship, fantasizing about strangers. Like absolutely no time has passed. Demanding respect when you haven’t shown yet that you’ve earned so is going to prove incompatible for a lot of folks who want to explore a long-term connection with your partner as well. “Eh, I don’t know about this one, they’re kind of annoying but I’m going to wait it out and see.”) OR present the new interest on a golden pedestal (ie “OH MY GOD I’m already head over heels for this person! Remembering your previous post, I'd say you have a delicate situation given that you're all living together, and it really requires a sit-down between the three of you (perhaps mediated by a professional, if … It IS a good idea to ask for what you want (to meet her), … When they were going to be late coming home, she made sure I knew. Your Daily Polyamory Blog for Navigating Life, Relationships, and More. When it’s good, it’s really good. Those are all really great open-minded characteristics to have in relationships; and it is one of the many reasons why he has had such a great, lasting relationship with you over the past decade. Give yourself a break, this stuff is really emotionally complex. Now, though me and Person B may have never met — we have a certain type of relationship. It IS a good idea to ask for what you want (to meet her), … If you're willing, keep us updated on your situation. She’s very good for him. But "metamour" has limitations, too, and ones I'm still struggling to overcome. Like I mentioned, it is the hinge partner’s responsibility to manage their multiple relationships. After I talk to the metamour, I want to know how the partner thinks about their current partners. Polyamory found me. Remembering your previous post, I'd say you have a delicate situation given that you're all living together, and it really requires a sit-down between the three of you (perhaps mediated by a professional, if … Is it unethical to date someone who is in a monogamous relationship? Three-way sex is awesome; three-way fighting is awful. If I’m struggling, he’ll be there to cheer on my success and comfort me in failures, but my battles are my own. It’s not our partners that really make the daily existence of polyamory that different from monogamy. The fact that I feel abandoned in these conflicts is what makes it worse for me.”. And immediately we clicked, in one of those chance circumstances where your interests and neuroses line up perfectly. Compersion is great when it happens. Direct communication is better. You said you have had a lot of problems with your two former metamours. That usually ends up being a case of the hinge partner being more invested in not rocking the boat than advocating for themselves, (and your relationship). Contributing to and managing positive relationships with your metamours is similar to building healthy relationships with anyone else. Hello Metamour, I don’t know how familiar you are with polyamory, so in case you don’t know, I’d like to explain the idea of a metamour. Change ), You are commenting using your Facebook account. And I do think that boundary setting is generally a pretty good solution to people-problems. Hopefully the posts so far are helping. That kind of boundary setting is ripe with potential misunderstanding. Regardless of what happens with Sika and Skypook from here on out, she’s taught me a very powerful lesson — so often we’re scared of the thing that we will one day come to love. By teatimewithtomato on April 18, 2020 • ( 1 Comment ), “My primary partner and I have been together for almost ten years and polyamorous for five, but we’ve experienced real deep romantic love outside our relationship in the last couple years.We are discovering our difference in values might mean he can’t date other people without causing pain.For me, you should be willing to go to war for your family. The word "metamour" appeals to me; it pushes my geek buttons ("LOL how meta"), my Romance language buttons, and my too-damn-clever-for-my-own-good buttons. Happy Metamour Appreciation Day, JTA. Good luck. It could be a hinge problem with your partner. But he’s just not good at this type of problem solving.He’s not dating anyone else now, but does that have to be forever? Every metamour is going to be different and your mileage may vary. What can we work on so small fights with metas don’t always blow up? But never dull. You seem like a better version of me. 6:10 Is it OK to ask to meet my metamour? Cutting right through the bullshit in the nicest way possible. They were stopped at a stop sign, when my partner and I obliviously crossed the street right in front of them. A good model must be able to be expressive from the bottoms of their feet to the tips of their fingers. “Awww,” Skyspook said, when I told him later. It was not a good night last night. Step 4: Circle back to the potential partner. The inherent part of trust is in having faith that your partner does have your best interests at heart. Typically a metamour is the person, in an open network, with whom you will not share a direct sexual/loving relationship. Or is it only in regard to his other relationships? And it makes me feel a little crazy.”, “Oh, that’s not how I see it at all!” Sika replied. Loosely defined, a metamour is anyone in a relationship with someone who has a relationship with another person. Talking things out loud with your metamour might also be a good idea. And it could also be a personal problem with you. It's the most unique of all poly relationships I think... there is really nothing that can describe it. Tagged as: Advice hierarchical hinge metamour polyamorous polyamory relationship. But it is a reasonable enough assumption that ultimately led to his latest realization, that he doesn’t think he can date others without causing you or his other partners pain. It’s like Jeff Leavell wrote in his piece for The Washington Post: The more people you add to your love life, the more drama and chaos. Amount of interaction with your metamour. Judgement that he is doing the wrong thing and that they know better than he does, what is good for him. Amount of interaction with your metamour. Every time we reunite, a frenetic cacophony of words coalesces into one concordant whole. My preference is to meet the person my partneris dating. You’re gaining a metamour. A person on Twitter asked me if they were wrong to not want to meet their metamour. It slowly unfolds at an ent’s pace due to logistics and everyone involved being sated (though not saturated) poly veterans. It’s impossible to keep us completely separate in our small town and our small community. I told them they need to do what is right for them, but I think meeting their metamour is a good idea—if only because meeting them standing over their spouse’s hospital bed would be worse. He refused to let A continue being with me and said that we can only be friends. I am also very curious about how you personally define “respect” with regards to respecting your partner or your partner’s relationship with you. I love that he doesn’t have a judgmental bone in his body. The question of whether it’s ‘normal’ isn’t very relevant to an individual situation. She’s been absolutely lovely and concerned about my feelings. Korean. I’m going to But that veto agreement is unfortunately going to rub a lot of people the wrong way. I am really sorry to hear that you are experiencing this particular disconnect. While I’m not convinced that’ll ever get Hallmark’s interest, I thought it provided a good opportunity to sing the praises of my metamour, JTA. I would, without a doubt, break up with anyone who doesn’t respect him or my relationship with him.He finds compassion and understanding for everyone. It’s not a good idea to ask a partner to deliver a message to another partner. You see a refusal to reconcile in his slower approach to resolving conflicts. He is very open to cherishing all the success as well as to supporting through any of the failures. PQ 23.4 — How do I communicate my expectations of metamours? I’ve let them have their lives in spite of my fears. Because you matter to my girlfriend, you automatically matter to me. Metamour Cuteness - Need Stories I'm writing an article for a national feminist magazine about how to cultivate a healthy relationship with your metamour, your partner's partner. You aren’t in a relationship with your metamour. Again, in a way that would feel inappropriate to ASK a metamour to be. She’s a Disney movie in human form. It’s been a hard year. 3. He was the most unintentionally charming man I have ever met. It is just like that first time every time. You better get a really, really, really good trade out of that deal. Every metamour is going to be different and your mileage may vary. To begin, the term metamour is one of those very specific you-know-I’m-talking-about-polyamory words that gets used on occasion in the right circles.And for my part, I find it an incredibly useful tool to remind ourselves (the poly community) and others that the types of relationships we engage in aren’t always the most instantly accessible, let alone comprehensible. But I also think that we – the non-monogamous folks – represent a small subsection of the overall dating population. And sometimes that can feel overwhelming and unmanageable. Hey Wendy, My husband and I have been married six years, have had an open relationship for four years, and we’ve been exploring poly for the last year. As such, I found it difficult to assume that everyone was going to be exactly on the same page about our respective styles and preferences. At some point he has to do something to help us heal and get along. Because you matter to my girlfriend, you automatically matter to me. Person A also has a relationship with Person B. Advice – My partner wants to spend the holidays with her other partner. Metamour Involvement. Knowing them enough that if you get stuck in an elevator together, you’ll recognize the person on the other side of the damn box. Assumption that fruit and vegetables are good for everyone. ( Log Out / Login; CREATE BLOG Join English (en) English Metamour-phosis: Becoming a Delightful Metamour Jim Fleckenstein & Carol Morotti-Meeker, MS, MLSP The term “metamour” – referring to a partner’s partner – appears to have been coined in 2000 and has gained wide currency in the polyamorous community. Even though my relationship with Dave’s partner never worked out, I strove to be as self-assured, as socially aware, and as polyamorous as Dave was for me. The way that I respect what others have that I’m not really a part of. Jealousy and insecurity thrive in secrecy (Martin loves the shadows). Remember, you had to break up with Cal due to one monogamous metamour. It looks like there are a lot of room for improvement and growth for both you and your partner as you continue to explore polyamory. But if you can look at metamours as opportunities, something extra you’re gaining (as a support to you, your partner, or both), instead of viewing shared time with your lover as something you’re potentially losing? But there always seems to be a new way that the his other partner can do something that gets back to me and affects me. Some people in polyamorous relationships like to know, or at least meet, the person their partner spends time with. And geez Louise, they texted me on their date together. A person on Twitter asked me if they were wrong to not want to meet their metamour. Skype, calls, texts, emails, and Zooms. Many models are inspired by the poses depicted in classical works of art. In my own personal experience with challenging metamours, I have found that my personal challenges with my metamours often boiled down to differing tastes and preferences. Even questions like “how do I manage jealousy?” tend to have our partner at the center of it, as something that is gained or lost and the metamour simply a happenstance agent of that scary change. So be patient! Things to consider when meeting your metamour Meeting metamours can be wonderful, scary, heartwarming, anxiety producing and all kinds of other things. Click to share on Twitter (Opens in new window), Click to share on Facebook (Opens in new window). In some cases, the anxiety revolves around a specific person instead of a specific action. … Thank you for existing. Moreover each of them doesn't have to be a threat, unless you treat them as one. His perspective allows for him to form the kind of connections he wants to nurture in his life. The term which describes a partner’s other partners or lovers. An extended family of lovers who show up to support me. ( Log Out / I don’t have these problems anywhere else in my life. In this particular situation, you would be justified to set boundaries around interacting with someone who is so clearly involved in an unethical behavior. Sika is a very good person. When Sika learned about this, she took it upon herself to set alarms so that they didn’t lose track. Direct communication is better. You are just that awesome.”. Except with my last two metas, I’ve always been able to solve conflict without fighting. I didn’t want to be a butt-in-ski,” I replied. If you think that you have a metamour problem, I invite you to look closer to home at your feelings and expectations, your relationship and your partner. I sometimes wonder how things would be different if I hadn’t fessed up to her that night years ago, and we never became friends, let alone metamours. The more selective you and your partner are about his secondary partners, the more difficult it will be to find any suitable match. So much for not being a butt-in-ski, huh? I initially felt threatened by a person who is great to me, great to my husband. That usually ends up being a case of the hinge partner being more invested in not rocking the boat than advocating for themselves, (and your relationship). So it might not be a bad idea to keep an open mind and more kindly approach your partner’s interests. Advice – How can I be a better metamour? But Sika wanted to do it. They did a don’t-ask-don’t-tell (DADT) style of nonmonogamy for a while, but they ended up becoming so deeply involved that they talked about being more open, honest, and transparent with each other. And every time I don’t understand why he won’t do anything to find reconciliation. There are a lot of moving parts in the polyamorous lifestyle. Soft Shell Crabby writes in to say she’s 43 and her boyfriend is 42, and they’ve been together for four years. Experiencing an emotion means I’m human, not a bitch. Notably, one time Skyspook was very late coming home from a date (not with Sika), and the location service in his phone told me he was physically in Lake Erie. Hinge partners are responsible for managing their multiple relationships. Both my metamour and the person who was HSV positive knew about this boundary but claim "we just weren't thinking/too in the moment." Thanks . I don't know whether he feels the same about me, but it does look like it sometimes. Sika is a very good person. I explained to him that while we (K and I) were doing little wrong in terms… The choice to dwell in your jealousy is also very real, and there are many alternatives to having to spend long nights home alone, fuming that your partner is out with their way-cooler-than-you meta. And in the times where we’ve hung out together as friends with Skyspook there, I’ve never felt like a third wheel or like I’m in the way. And regardless of where we’ve been or what’s going on in either of our lives, we have continued to foster a mutual love and respect that has certainly made my life so much better. – Tea Time with Tomato. Hello Metamour, I don’t know how familiar you are with polyamory, so in case you don’t know, I’d like to explain the idea of a metamour. Sika is so sweet that you can practically see cartoon animals landing on her gracefully. As I outlined last week, there are good practical reasons for meeting your metamour. I think that metamour love is something far more to be proud of than any other poly relationship dynamic. The only people who can answer how much metamour interaction is appropriate are you, your hubbie and your metamour. You may not even really like some of your metamours. Being able to associate positive intent behind your metamour’s actions are necessary to long-term survival of any healthy polyamorous arrangement. In a polyamorous relationship, a partner will simultaneously be a metamour and have multiple metamours. ( Log Out / One of my metamours broke a huge boundary in his relationship to my partner. He will never take sides, in any way, which leads to me feeling trapped with someone I don’t like. And you are also going to have to trust that he will pick out the type of partners who will also get along with you. This is fucking fantastic and you should feel really, really good about the way you write. Find more. Advice – What is considered emotional affair? In his deep sense of care for others, he struggles to evaluate conflicting values and instead strives to spread a sense of understanding. And maybe even eventually with my lover (Skypook and I were closed at that point but still very poly-aware, mono-flexible). Some men told me about-- They didn't just talk about one metamour relationship, some of these men had many many metamours, and so they'd say, ''With this metamour, this element, this aspect worked really, really well but then there was this other metamour and it really didn't work well at all.'' When I first met Sika, I was so struck by our similarities that I’ll admit I compared and couldn’t help but feel like I came up short. We all grow up with our own respective personal histories, which all contribute to the different styles and preferences we have as adults. Advice – Am I the asshole for messaging my partner’s FWB? I don’t want to be a jealous bitch. Sure, you’re busier, and you may have layers of feelings that you’ve never deal with, but honestly where poly and mono really seem to diverge? “You’re like the cool, wise older sister I never had. But better than anyone else, he knew how to manage space in his life. Honestly, the fact that you are long-distance will help you to tap the brakes, which is probably a good thing. She was the shiny new Christmas toy, and I was last year’s model, in danger of being relegated to the attic. Advice – My family keeps commenting on my resemblance to my dead father. You’re amazing. And I’ve arguably gotten as much out of the experience as Skyspook – in terms of challenging my insecurities and gaining one of the world’s best metamours in the bargain. Advice – My family keeps yelling at each other. So of course, fate would have it that the woman whose very existence made me insanely jealous would eventually come to date my husband. With that said, setting boundaries around people who are not used to being set boundaries on could have exacerbated and aggravated the growing disconnect you and your metamours felt around each other. Peter, wisely, decided it would be a good idea for him to get his flu shot “just in case,” which I told him to do two months ago. This is an official released video of how we met | storytime. The best thing you can do is separate yourself from T and this situation, provide an escape route for A when she wants to escape this situation, and go your separate way. If you haven’t met the metamour, often all you have to go off of is your partner’s description of them, and maybe a picture or two that your partner has. As a metamour, Sika has been absolutely delightful. What has been more helpful to me than anything else as a poly person is not asking how I can be a good partner to people I love. Click to share on Facebook (Opens in new window), Click to share on Twitter (Opens in new window), Click to share on Reddit (Opens in new window), Click to share on Tumblr (Opens in new window), Click to share on Pocket (Opens in new window), Click to share on Telegram (Opens in new window), Click to share on WhatsApp (Opens in new window), Click to share on LinkedIn (Opens in new window), Click to share on Google+ (Opens in new window), Click to share on Pinterest (Opens in new window). I f you have done the work, and analysed why and how it is that you cannot intimately be part of the same groupings, or the same community as your metamour, then your mutual partner(s), are more likely to understand why you must set a 'very little interaction' boundary.. You cannot ethically decide on their relationships. The partner of one's partner, with whom one does not share a direct sexual or loving relationship “I want to make sure I don’t worry Page again.”.